Be-Attitudes for the New Year
Emotions, stress, expectations, and frustrations can easily find their way into the blending family life, so it’s important for you as a couple to try and address probable stressors ahead of time. Because our attitudes have a lot to do with our actions, here are eight be-attitudes that can help you manage your blending family emotions, attitudes, and decisions:
• Be positive: Prioritize what’s most important and why, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Tackle the mundane with a positive attitude and enthusiasm, even if it’s planning your new year resolutions. And be sure to model a positive attitude for your kids.
• Be unselfish: Pull your own weight. Don’t expect the other to do all—or even most—of the work. Do your fair share and don’t keep score if you feel you’re pulling more of the load at times. Especially as you look to the new year, this is a gift that keeps on giving.
• Be willing to use your skills and abilities: Use your strengths. If he’s a good cook and she’s a good organizer, go for it. Don’t feel tied to traditional duties—but use each other’s skills to your mutual benefit. And that should go for the kids, too!
• Be a team: Take on work as a team or “divide and conquer.” Just be sure to choose duties together and compromise peacefully when necessary. Model for your kids how to do this well.
• Be servants: Just as Jesus washed His disciples’ feet, serve each other—by doing something without the other knowing it or by making dinner when the other has had a tough day—serve with a true servant spirit.
• Be content: You know that there are always things to be done, but avoid becoming discontent and grumbling. Extra chores during the blending family adjustment season are a part of life, so be content with the transitions that come.
• Be adaptable to change: When one of you is sick or has too much on their plate, the other can pick up the slack. And show your kids that life is full of change and it’s best to have a be-autiful attitude about it.
• Be careful to use time management: We can always put off those mundane things, but they’ll just pile up and get worse. Manage your time so you can deal with things on a daily or weekly basis; this will keep your holiday schedules running more smoothly.
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness and Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage. Copyright © 2012, all rights reserved.
Building Traditions That Bond
For blending families, there are a lot of “but we always did it this way” challenges that come during the Christmas season, whether it’s about food, gift giving, visiting and traveling, or even decorating. Younger children may adapt fairly easily to your new blending family Christmases, while older children may want everything the way it was and try to sabotage your holidays, your relationship, and the potential for creating a healthy blending family holiday—if you aren’t proactive in preparing for the holiday adventures.
One of the couples in our book, Tom and Megan, learned this the hard way. Since Megan moved into Tom’s home when they remarried, Tom’s kids had a hard time adjusting to any changes or renovations that happened in “their home”, even though they were adult kids living elsewhere! They even had expectations of having a Christmas tree in a certain place and continuing other family traditions, so they had to work through all that.
In hindsight, it would have been more proactive for Tom and Megan to discuss the reality that they were making a new home together but the kids would always be welcome. It would have also been important to get their kids input early on and understand their expectations and deal with them wisely. But they just didn’t know any of this would be such a big deal. So talking about the holidays ahead of time might have made an easier first Christmas for all of them.
The truth is, building new traditions that bond you together as a family can be difficult, but it’s well worth the effort. Whether expectations stem from gender, family culture, or individual personalities, or whether they come from your past histories, it’s important to know how they may affect your relationship and your holidays.
So be proactive. As a couple, talk about how you did things in the past, and then brainstorm how you might want to do things now. And be sure to talk to the kids about what’s most important for them.
Perhaps putting the tree in the same place is critically important to one child, or maybe it’s not a big deal at all. But unless you hear everyone’s hearts and decide what’s is reasonable and doable, it’s easy to hurt or offend others without even knowing it!
It might be best to gather everyone’s ideas, write them all down in order of importance, and then let each person choose one tradition that’s most important to him or her. But also consider finding one or two new traditions that are special and unique to your new blending family. God can use your holiday expectations to draw you closer, and you can build traditions that can bond you together.
Check out The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness and Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage for more ways to strengthen your marriage. Copyright © 2012, all rights reserved.
When Christmases Clash
The Christmas season can reveal differences between the two of you that didn’t even know you had, and this time of year can even exacerbate the differences you already know you have. When you’re aware of your holiday differences, you can plan to balance them. One couple in our book, The ReMarriage Adventure, had to learn how to do just that.
Tom and Megan remarried and had six young adult children between them, but they had very different ways of interacting with their kids. Tom always did a lot of activities with his son and daughters, but Megan always had a lot of relational talk time with her three girls. The girls also played games, watched movies, and went on walks together.
So when all of them got together for the holidays, there were glaring differences in what they wanted to do. It was hard to spend quality time together when they were so different, but Tom and Megan had to figure out how to find a balance and help the kids adjust to their new blending family.
They all had to compromise—a lot—and it wasn’t easy. Yet Tom and Megan were determined to create holiday memories that were positive for all of them. But how could they make it work?
Tom and Megan discovered that, more than any other Bible passage, Ephesians 4:2-3 could help them make their holiday differences draw them together instead of apart. This scripture reminds us to “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
Here’s how we all can apply it to our holiday relationships:
Be humble. Realize that your way of doing things may not always be the best way. Your mate’s way or your kids’ way may not be either. Whether it’s how to decorate, what gifts to buy, what Christmas cookies to make, or where to visit on Christmas day, sometimes it’s best to find a new way to do something, especially during the holidays.
Be gentle. When a difference makes you crazy, be gentle as you discuss it. Remember that differences are a part of the ones you love, and your relationships are much more important than the way you do something. Holiday expectations run deep and there are a lot of emotional attachments to them.
Be patient. You are on a lifelong journey of learning and growing together. Sometimes you just need to learn to live with that difference—you “bear with it” as the Scripture says. But that also doesn’t mean you grudgingly put up with it and make the person feel bad about that difference. Instead, you love him or her in spite of it.
Keep the unity and peace. Differences can make you feel disunited and steal the peace in your relationship, if you let them. Trust God’s Spirit to help you find peace when differences want to tear you apart.
Most of all, be sensitive and recognize that some of your differences are actually blessings in disguise. It’s all in your perspective and the way you choose to view the differences you do have. And as you model Ephesians 4 as a couple, you will help your kids learn how to live it out too.
Check out The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness and Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage for more ways to strengthen your marriage. Copyright © 2012, all rights reserved.
Talking About the Holidays
Lots of emotions, obligations, and sometimes unreasonable expectations come with the holidays, and when it comes to understanding those things, mind reading doesn’t often work too well during this time of year…or anytime, for that matter. So it’s critical for you as a couple to try to anticipate and address probable challenges ahead of time.
Take time to plan for your holidays, and be sure to take notes. First, as a couple, talk about the holidays, just the two of you. Then, depending on the age of your children, find out what’s important to them, and encourage them to share openly with you.
Here are some things you can talk about:
- Which holiday events are most important to you and why?
- What visitation situations, school events, or church programs will affect your holiday plans? Sync your calendars carefully, and be sure to work your optional plans around those unchangeable obligations first.
- What will your holiday budget be, and for what?Which holiday events are most important to you individually and why?
- What family traditions do you want carry into your blending family, what might you want to tweak, and what new traditions do you want to form? Do the kids have some ideas?
- What about decorating? One of you might take a minimalist stance and one of you might want to go all out. Find a happy balance by discussing and deciding what you’ll do as a couple—before you get out the baubles and get the tree.
- What new traditions might you want to start? We recently heard about a family who decided to start a new tradition of giving just three gifts, in remembrance of the Gifts of the Magi. Perhaps this year might be a good time to start such a tradition.
- What spiritual traditions do you want to continue or start? Christmas eve service? Reading the Christmas story at breakfast on Christmas day? In today’s world, you have to be intentional about keeping Christ in Christmas.
- If you have little ones, how will you deal with Santa and all of that? Talk about it early!
- And how about holiday food, cookie making, and party planning?
- In the busyness of the season, how can you establish a memorable couple time? Perhaps it’s just an evening out for hot chocolate and looking at the Christmas lights, but whatever it is, make time for just the two of you.
- What about the kids visiting the grandparents and relatives of the former spouses? That’s always a challenge as well and one you should consider and plan for.
- And how do you keep from getting exhausted through the season and enjoy it instead? Sometimes you have to cut out some things just so you can have a quiet night of rest!
Because holidays can get so complicated, it’s so important to be proactive, talk a lot, and carefully prepare for the days ahead! You’ll be glad you did.
Check out The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness and Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage for more ways to strengthen your marriage. Copyright © 2012, all rights reserved.
My Picture Book Critique Group
Each month I meet with my critique group, and I love it. Each of us is working specifically on picture books, and we are all learning a lot about this special area of writing. We hone each other’s work. We cheer each other on. And we grow.
Yet is it so interesting how we often view things in very different ways. One may not understand a sentence. Another might not like the dialogue. The other might choose a different verb. Each of us has a unique perspective, and that can help us and our stories or hinder us, depending on our perspective.
In Ephesians 4:14, Paul says, “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching.”
What does that mean for us as writers or critiquers or even as editors?
First, we need to be mature enough to set aside our pride and tight ownership of our stories and view them as God’s stories, since He gave us the creativity and, in essence, He owns it all. We need to hold our work lightly and also see other people’s work as a gift from God. When I was editor at Focus on the Family, I’d sometimes have authors argue over the edits or say something like, “God gave me that, so you can’t touch it!” How arrogant is that? Let people help make your story all God wants it to be, and trust that He allows divine appointments with the right editors, critiquers, and mentors who can help you grow and who can encourage you.
Second, we need to believe in ourselves and our stories. Yes, God has called us to write, but those skills are developed as we study, grow, learn, and rewrite. It’s a process, a journey that often takes years. Continue to grow in your craft by attending conferences, workshops, critique groups, and reading up on the topic so you can be more confident in your work. Then share what you know with others. If I hadn’t believed in our first two books and queried editors, they never would have been published.
Third, we need to have discernment and not be tossed back and forth by the waves and winds of opinions that come our way. Everyone’s opinion is not necessarily valid or correct. God gives people insight and wisdom, but we need to weigh those opinions in light of their expertise—or lack thereof. Then we need to separate the good from the bad, choose what will help our story, and throw away the rest, with a humble heart and gentle attitude.
If you’re a writer, I encourage you to join a critique group or start one yourself. It’s fun. It’s challenging. It’s enlarging. It’s good.
Are you a part of a critique group? What have you learned. I’d love to know!
Like a Little Child
Children have so much to teach us. Last week I spent time with four young families. One had a newborn who slept peacefully in my arms while I gooed and giggled over every infant face she made. She was content. I want to be content too.
Another family had four busy little ones ages 3-7. The twin three year olds presented me with “gifts” of scribbled drawings that I just can’t throw away. I want to give others more gifts—gifts of myself—even if they are a bit scribbly.
The third family has a six month old, a five year old, and a seven year old. The five year old is a bug-crazy boy who just had to show me his “pet” fly. The six month old worked and worked to roll over and grab a plastic bowling pin, and we all were in awe when she accomplished her feat. And the seven year old read a book to me, and I marveled at the miracle of reading. I want to always be in awe of the wonder of life like these sweet kids.
Then I got to Skype with my grandchildren, the most precious part of my week. They are curious, funny, busy, energetic, inquisitive, and always learning. We laugh and talk and read books and blow kisses. We connect and reconnect on a deep and loving level. And it fills my soul in ways that nothing else can.
Each one of these children is a special and unique gift to me, and each one reminds me to step back from cooking and cleaning and pay bills and all the grownup busyness of life and to take time to be inspired at the beauty of Pikes Peak or create a story or dream or really enjoy moments with loved ones. Time with children not only helps me to reorient to what really matters but also enjoy my days so much more.
Contentment. Giving. Wonder. Learning. Growth. Love. These are what each child teaches me, and I want to apply all of them to my relationships with God and others. Good lessons, kids. Thanks!
How about you? What has a child taught you lately? I’d like to know.