Susan’s Blog | Susan G Mathis

Imperfect Marriage Partners

Marriage is taking two unique people and uniting their souls and bodies for a common purpose, for the rest of their lives. But it’s also taking two imperfect people and putting them in a committed relationship so they can safely grow and mature together as they work on their imperfections and problems.

When we see imperfect marriages or marriages that fail, we sometimes think that marriage must have been a mistake. But God’s perfect plan for marriage isn’t flawed; it’s people who make it less than God designed. Fortunately, marriage is a unique place where God can work on our flaws—hopefully in a safe and loving environment.

Marriage is also living out God’s redemptive plan and becoming more like Him everyday. It’s seeing your mate grow through the love, grace and forgiveness you freely give him or her, while that person also allows you to grow, even through your mistakes. It’s about giving, helping, serving, trusting, forgiving, caring, learning and living through the ups and downs of life. It’s employing 1 Corinthians 13 in the process and watching God work through that process.

Our culture also encourages us to have no boundaries, to have unlimited freedom. But God wants us to be unselfish, and limit ourselves for the good of the relationship.

You need to constantly choose your relationship over material things, over other people, over work, over other selfish desires—sometimes even over ministry or noble deeds. One of my friends nearly lost her marriage because she was so busy working at her church that she neglected her husband, so beware of this subtlety.

True intimacy comes when you make your relationship more important than your individualism. Yet, at the same time, we are still separate individuals, just as the Trinity is three in one. Just as they have their own separate identities and purposes, so do we. By mirroring this sacred truth, we can guide others to the One who models perfect Oneness.

God wants us to mirror this intimate relationship—spiritually, physically, emotionally, intellectually and socially. Socially, marriage is a public contract that says “we are one” as we share our lives with others. Emotionally it’s being vulnerable, transparent and honest with one another as with no one else. Intellectually, it’s sharing your thoughts, opinions and desires. Physically, it’s everything from a tender kiss to passionate sexual intercourse. Spiritually, it’s praying together, worshiping together and growing in your faith.

Through your marriage, you can show the world that God’s plan for mankind is a good one. God can use our marriages to show a lost and dying world that love and grace–and growing in Him–can make people different, even better.

How have you become “better” because of your marriage? I’d love to know!

Newlywed Changes

One of the biggest changes a person can choose to make is going from single to married. As single adults, many of us have spent years establishing our independence, our own ways of doing things, our own habits, traditions, plans, and dreams. Then we marry, and we go from independence and hopefully to interdependence—but that’s not easy. The changes in lifestyle are huge, and they impact us for the rest of our lives.

The excitement of change and the challenge of change as you move from season to season in your married life are abundant. But no matter how much you plan for change and anticipate all that’s good ahead of you, adjustments are inevitable.

Yet when we bump up against any kind of change, our natural inclination is to react, respond, and resist. And we usually fall back into our familiar patterns of behavior. Yet when you don’t understand your reactions or the differences in personality, gender, and culture, the normal adjustments are compounded by disappointment and hurt.

As we learn how we’re wired and consciously make the adjustments we need to make, we will have the tools to go through unexpected surprises more productively. And then we can usually come to a place of being able to release the former thing—singleness—and accept the change—married life—with a bit more grace. It isn’t easy, but if we understand what’s going on, we can more effectively deal with the feelings of disillusionment, frustration, and fear, and we can avoid hurting each other in the process.

Initially, we need to give ourselves permission to adjust to the change. If it’s a smaller thing, it might just take a few minutes or hours. If it’s a big thing, like adjusting to married life, it might take weeks or months to walk through each of these steps. That’s the value of premarital preparation—or any preparation for a big change. It gives you understanding and tools to work through some of the emotional and psychological challenges of adjusting to the situation before you’re in the heat of the moment.

We also need to trust God and rely on the wisdom of others—whether it’s through books, through classes or small groups, or through a mentor. Though change isn’t easy, it can help to have caring people walk with you through your journey.

For more about preparing for and adjusting to married life, check out The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness and Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage. Copyright © 2013, all rights reserved.

What about Family and Children’s Needs?

When there are kids in the home, it’s often critical for you as a couple to take a long-term view of blending-family life. Yes, in the short term, you’ll probably be sacrificing many of your wants and desires—and sometimes even your needs—so you can meet the needs of your children. But it’s important to keep the end in mind; in most cases, one day your kids will be grown and moving on, and then you’ll have much more freedom to make more personal choices as a couple.

As a remarriage couple, be sure to talk about what this might look like. One of you may have a highly needy child at home; another might not. One of you may strongly feel that every need your child has should supersede your spouse’s or your own needs, while the other might not. Both of you may have severely needy kids who will require a lot of you and your second marriage.

How will you maintain a healthy marriage with these kinds of pressures and sacrifices? Although you must always keep your marriage relationship the top priority, self-sacrifice is often imperative during this season of blending family life, so it’s important to plan for these challenges. Talk about all this openly and honestly now so you’ll avoid surprises later.

In reality, in a blending family situation, so much of your success will come down to the attitude you have toward facing and overcoming the issues that arise. “I think that good will is huge,” Linda says. “Rick and I desire to bless each other, and we want to fulfill each other’s needs. Sometimes those include the needs of each other’s children—and grandchildren!”

“We don’t measure or keep score to see who’s done more,” Rick says. “We just serve.”

“Because I see so much integrity and character in Rick, I really encourage his interaction with my sons,” Linda says. “His example is important; he’s a great role model for them. And he doesn’t have to be ‘the dad’ to make a difference. He just draws them into his world and shows them how to be men of integrity. As he mentors them, he meets my need to see my sons have a good example in their lives.”

Extended Family Life

In the midst of doing life together, there will undoubtedly be changes, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, fears, strained communication, or unreasonable expectations at times. That’s just how relationships are. But hopefully those times will be few, and with good communication between you and your spouse, they don’t have to affect your relationship negatively.

You and your in-laws will probably deal with a few communication issues, now or in the future. You may even experience some stress as they adjust to your family, or they may have negative attitudes about how you live.

They may even have disagreements about your beliefs, family traditions, childrearing methods, and more. They may have expectations about holidays, family gatherings, blending family issues, or taking responsibility for aging parents. But these all can be navigated successfully if you work together, first as a couple, and then as a family. Instead of fearing the challenges that may come, instead, embrace them as ways to learn more about your in-laws and opportunities to love them for who they are.

There will also be unexpected changes that come up. Just six months after they married, Karl’s aging parents got sick and found that they could no longer physically care for Karl’s disabled brother who had cerebral palsy. So after much discussion and prayer, Tina and Karl took him in to live with them. Talk about challenges to a new marriage and to a blending family!

The reality is that attitude is everything, and Tina tackled this challenge with the right attitude. “I’ve been pushing wheelchairs since I married Karl,” Tina says with a smile. “Though it’s not what I expected, it is what God allowed.”

When it came to extended family relationships and the life circumstances that arose, Tina chose to have a genuine positive attitude. In so doing, she became a successful and vital part of Karl’s family. She also set a fine example for all to emulate.

Karl loved her for it. The extended family respected her, and her daughter Jennie learned how give, serve, and share. It was a win-win for all of them.

What unexpected changes have come your way as you navigated life with extended family? I’d love to know!

Revealing Yourself

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship; it will affect every aspect of your marriage. It can help you inform, explain, influence, and build intimacy with one another.

Good personal communication is the act of revealing yourself—your past experiences, present feelings, and future dreams. It’s sharing your fears, needs, and desires carefully and honestly. Communicating well is also about setting boundaries, confronting problems, admitting when you’re wrong, and extending grace to each other.

“Honesty is paramount,” Ben says. “Authenticity—being who we really are no matter what—is critical. I experienced the lack of it in my first marriage, and I didn’t want that again. I’m so glad that Jennifer is the same person whether she’s speaking at a conference or sitting on the front porch with me. And I want her to know who I am. I believe that real love is knowing someone with all their faults and loving them still.”

When Adam and Eve sinned, they broke the communication they had with their Creator and caused isolation from Him. They covered up and hid; they were dishonest and ashamed. God never intended that, and He knew that a life of dishonesty and hiding would be painful and counterproductive. That’s why God delights in His people overcoming negative communication patterns and learning to communicate in healthy and loving ways.

“Be proactive in revealing who you really are,” Ben says. “Learn to be authentic in every area of your life. Allow your mate know you completely and get to know him or her completely, too. And when you’re communicating about something, let your mate know what your thought process is, not just the decision you made. Let her see how you got there so she can understand how you think and how you make decisions.”

How have you learned to reveal yourself to your mate? We’d love to know.

Rekindling Awareness

There are times when we all fail, when we make mistakes, or when one of us has a need that the other either doesn’t know how to meet or isn’t responsible to meet. We should realize that only God can meet some of our needs. And when we understand that perfect love and unconditional acceptance can only be found by having a relationship with Him, we find balance in our lives.

On their fifth anniversary, Rick and Linda went camping to celebrate. But they also decided that it was time for a marriage tune-up. “We had been so busy with life,” Linda says, “that all of a sudden, I realized that there was an ache in my heart. There were things we needed to talk about, but there didn’t seem to be the right opportunity. So months went by and I forgot about those things, or I stuffed them away. And we never quite found the time to have a good, healthy discussion. This time away gave us the chance to intentionally stop, reevaluate our relationship, and take the time to tune up our marriage. We spent five hours talking about our needs, and it was great!”

“We simply had to rekindle our awareness of each other’s needs,” Rick says, “and then we had to be willing to figure out how to meet those needs. People often go along in their marriage, and they get lazy. We forget to be deliberate about serving each other and keeping our marriage healthy.”

“We were sliding into complacency,” Linda says. “Often, it’s simply being considerate of the other’s feelings. If the wife has a concern or fear, for example, the husband should try to alleviate those concerns, and visa versa. And it’s so important not to assume the other just knows what your need is.”

“A person can get irritated when he or she doesn’t get a need met,” Rick adds. “But sometimes it’s because that person hasn’t told his or her spouse what that need is! We can’t expect to read each other’s minds.”

“Sometimes I hesitate to tell Rick about a need, because I think it might spoil the moment,” Linda says. “It doesn’t feel as romantic to tell him I need romance. Especially since I think he should already know this. But then, if he doesn’t meet that need, I get disappointed and resentful and frustrated. I know that’s not fair to him.”

As Rick and Linda attest, unmet needs do cause conflict, frustration, and misunderstandings in a relationship. But learning how to rekindle awareness, keep short accounts, stay on top of things, and alleviate those misunderstandings can sure help.

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Susan G Mathis