Blending Family Communication
The challenges of communicating well in a blending family are many. Past hurts, current perceptions, expectations, and fears or frustrations affect communicating well. The adjustment process is a long and winding road, so providing extra measures of patience and kindness help in communicating with kids and stepkids.
Experts suggest that, in the beginning, it’s best to ease your way into parenting a stepchild. Let the biological parent to do the disciplining and encourage the stepparent to be the affirmer, encourager, and builder of the relationship (slowly). When multiple step-siblings are in the home, things can get even more complicated, and it takes special care.
It’s also important to be really cautious about what you say about one another’s children. Affirming your mate as the biological parent is also important because you as a parent often feel vulnerable. In remarriage, there’s more ownership of the biological child’s words and actions, so the biological parent can simply take it more personally.
And in discipline and decision-making regarding the kids, the biological parent should always have the final say. The biological parent may choose to do something differently with her kids than with the stepkids, but she knows her own kids better. So each of you needs to honor the choices your spouse make and yield to the other.
Resolving stepparent/stepchild conflicts and communication issues is definitely a delicate dance. Knowing your role will help you both avoid and resolve conflict that may come with stepchild relationships. Whether it’s conflict over loyalty, resentment, confusion, time demands, duties, or whatever, knowing how to proceed will help you be successful.
What blended-family issues are you the most concerned about? I’d love to know.
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness, by Susan and Dale Mathis. Copyright © 2012, all rights reserved.
Prepare for ReMarriage
Almost three out of four remarriages fail, but statistics say that couples who participate in premarital education report a 30 percent higher level of overall marital satisfaction and better communication! That means you are greatly increasing your chances for success by preparing for the adventure of a second marriage before you head into it!
While we were dating, Dale and I had driven to Estes Park, Colorado. We sat overlooking the beautiful mountains, sharing our past pain and heartache and asking each other question after question. It was a great place to discuss the possibility of our future together, to explore whether we were ready for a redemptive marriage. We promised to reveal our thoughts, fears, goals, and needs to each other completely before even considering a second marriage.
Every night for several weeks after our time in the mountains, we made lists of things we wanted to know about each other—everything from how we were raised to finances, to roles and goals, to expectations and pet peeves, to sex and health issues, to our previous marriages and our children, to our relationships with God, and so much more. Each question prompted twenty more, and some of the questions were serious, deep, and scary.
Being open and honest made us feel very vulnerable, and we realized this kind of openness could make or break our budding relationship. But we also decided that without complete honesty, we’d be marrying a person we didn’t really know. And while we were in love and wanted to move forward in our relationship, we first needed to know God’s plan for us. So we talked, shared, and completed an 8-week premarital course, working hard to really know all we could. There are a zillion things you should know about one another, so do your homework well.
What was the most interesting question you ever asked your spouse?
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness, by Susan and Dale Mathis. Copyright © 2012, all rights reserved.
The Adventure of Remarriage
Remarriage is truly an adventure! As on any journey, there are often beautiful moments and wonderful surprises. This has certainly been true for Dale and me. There are times of love and laughter, joy and adventure. But there are also dangers seen and unseen—road bumps, potholes, detours, hazards, and difficulties along the way.
When you’re on a journey, you’ll inevitably learn new things, and hopefully you’ll always continue to grow. You’ll enjoy new experiences, meet interesting people, and encounter new challenges. And when you are blending a family, you’ll experience all of these things—sometimes in just one day!
Dale and I love to experience new adventures. Whether we’re hiking in the Rocky Mountains, scrambling up the famous Dunn’s River waterfall in Jamaica—just as a hurricane hit—or holding a wild baby lion cub in South Africa, we try to enjoy everything our journey has to offer.
That goes for our marriage as well. We enjoy the good times, make great memories, and capture the moments of fun and adventure. But when times get tough, when storms come, or when roadblocks hinder our path, we try to realize that the road bumps and potholes are just part of making an adventure unique. So we work together to overcome each obstacle that attempts to impede our journey.
What challenges have you found to be an adventure? Leave us a comment; we’d love to know.
Adapted from The ReMarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love & Happiness, by Susan and Dale Mathis. Copyright © 2012, all rights reserved.