In our living room is a symbol Dale and I used in our wedding. It’s a 3-fold cord of red, white and gold. For us, it symbolizes that commitment we made to marriage was not just between the two of us. The covenant is between three of us: with God at the center. The scripture says “a cord of three strands is not quickly broken” Ecc. 4:12. That’s how we want our commitment to be and that takes making daily choices to do so.

Of all the major decisions we make in life, making a commitment to get married is one of the most important and for some, the hardest. Hopefully, this decision is far more important than buying your first car or house or deciding where you’ll go on vacation.

A commitment to marry is more than just signing a contract. Marriage is a sacred covenant, a plan God created for our benefit. In the Bible, God made covenants with His people, but people like Jonathan to David, Ruth to Naomi and others made covenants too. They were committing to love, serve and care for each other. Covenant promises are unconditional—there is no escape clause and/or no money-back guarantees. It is made on the foundation of faith and love—and it is permanent.

Permanent is a word seldom used today. In our culture, everything seems disposable—even relationships. Everything seems like it’s based on what makes us feel good or is convenient for us personally. But God’s plan is so much bigger than that. Just as He has never left us or forsaken us, even in our worst sinful state, so He wants us to know and enjoy the permanence of an intimate relationship with our mate.

We all know couples, maybe even our own parents, who divorced. Maybe they just grew tired of each other. Maybe one of them “found someone new.” Whatever the reason, they broke the commitment they made to each other, and the painful consequences of their choice affected many others besides them. And that’s not God’s plan for any of us.

Hopefully, we also know couples who have been married for decades and are happy, despite the challenges they’ve faced through the years. Our friends just celebrated 55 years together! Bob and Gayle love each other dearly, are the closest of companions and deeply committed to each other. As Dale says, “When we grow up, let’s be just like them!” These are the kinds of couples who can give us hope for our marriages. As you journey through your marriage, find one or two couples who you can look to as a model of what marriage should look like, especially if healthy marriages have been rare in your life.

Who are your role models for marriage? Tell them what a blessing they are to you, and I’d love to hear more about how they made a difference in your marriage.

Adapted from Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage. Copyright © 2013, all rights reserved.

The presence of a “servant’s heart” tells you much about your mate. But the lack of it can be a real problem. If he or she is overly self centered, selfish, or inconsiderate of you and others—or if he or she always wants things his or her way, watch out! You may be in over your head and need to get some help.

A control freak—that’s what you’d call Steve. Married once before, this macho man saw his wife, Amy, as his servant, but not in the good sense. Every morning, he wanted his coffee while he showered. Every night, he wanted his dinner as soon as he got home from work and then expected to enjoy a night of watching sports while Amy caught up with the housework. Amy wanted to be a submissive wife, but his increasing demands and unkind manners became unbearable.

One servant in the family was one too few, and something needed to change. When Steve’s brother came to visit, Paul confronted Steve with how he was treating Amy. Fortunately, Steve listened to his big brother and learned to treat Amy with more respect and care. Though he still tended to be controlling, Amy found safety to speak up when it happened.

It takes two people serving each other to make a marriage healthy. Once you know a person’s heart, you will know who that person really is. This is often overlooked during courtship because we’re usually so enthralled with our own warm-fuzzy feelings of love that we tend to forget to deeply look into the heart. During courtship, we often put our best foot forward, masking the inner self. So if you’re dating, it’s critical to look past that outward show and discover who that person really is deep down.

That’s where perseverance comes in—and be sure to add a healthy dose of faith and hope. We’re all imperfect people, struggling to do our best—to love well, to work well, to be successful at whatever we do. We’re all a bit selfish sometimes; we’re often moody or insecure; we sometimes get angry or become a little inconsiderate.

But these should be the exception, not the norm. What you’re trying to assess before you marry is if your future mate has a pattern of negative, selfish or self-centered behavior, which will hurt your marriage…and hurt you. If some negative patterns are present after you marry, they must be evaluated carefully as to the seriousness and regularity, and then be weighed against the positive attributes. Then it’s wise to work on correcting them, whether through counseling, mentoring, or good old fashion communication.

What are some ways you serve each other in your marriage? I’d love to know.

Adapted from Countdown for Couples: Preparing for the Adventure of Marriage. Copyright © 2013, all rights reserved.